To the uninitiated chilimac is pasta made with, instead of normal spaghetti sauce or a fine pesto, chili. As you may or may not know, the quality of chili varies tremendously with the majority of commercial offerings ranking somewhere below curdled shoe polish. This was industrial-strength chili, purchased by the gross ton and packaged in boxes covered with hazmat stickers.

In short, this chilimac and arguably all chilimacs can be summed up in one word: nasty!

The one I had for lunch would prove no exception.

At the very best one can expect massive gastrointestinal twinches with a little gas. One hour after eating lunch I felt the gurglings but I ignored the warnings. With the big weekend nearly here, I looked forward to leaving work early and fairly soon I got the go-ahead. Bye work - see you in five days.

My commute has four parts: the first part is getting to the subway. Usually it's a brisk 8 minute walk. But with the hundred-plus degree heat, it's been taking a bit longer. Today it took about fourteen minutes and the stifling heat re-cooked that which I had for lunch.

The second part of my commute is a short subway ride to catch the longer third section that consists of a bus ride. The second phase of the commute went well. Stomach was still gurgling but no pain.

It was the third part - the forty minute bus ride - that proved the breaking point. Sitting and jostling riled up the chilimac. The resulting gases expanded far too quickly for a mortal human to contain them. In a flatulence blast worthy of the Bush Administration, I loosed a cloud of searing poison. Children screamed. Women fainted. Men curled up to fetal positions as the bus driver swerved in panic. Oxygen!! They needed oxygen.

The driver managed a miraculous controlled swerve to a bus stop where upon opening the doors the huddled masses of coughing, choking vicitms fell out to the fresh air.

Except for me and an elderly gentleman who sat watching me. He was laughing and shaking his head. He looked at me and cackled "43 years cooking for the military. I know a chilimac blowout when I smell one!" I couldn't help but laugh with him.

But I am permanently banned from riding the Metro.